13inchesofboyd ([info]13inchesofboyd) wrote,
@ 2008-06-21 00:36:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend  Next Entry
Nightfall
The moon only sees the world
dreaming,
its hallucinations
flickering behind half-closed blinds
like so many old movie reels

Here are geysers of the
surreal.
Here are time and space nude,
having cast off their duties and
enjoying the delights of themselves,
legs wrapped around another
in incomprehensible arrangements.

The moon watches through
perforations in stratus clouds,
noting each small change.
Infant dreams blossom-
just flashes of color, really-
while a familiar motorcycle ride
through what wasn't always city
curls in and becomes dark,
becomes nothing,
like paper in fire.

In some black, distant ocean
which may only be a dream
fluorescent jellyfish surface
to bask in moonlight
fields of them, rabid violet
inflating, deflating.
the moon sees towns too
populations undulating
the chests and ambitions
of their people inflating
deflating
but ultimately floating in place.



(4 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]sniadecki
2008-07-01 01:29 am UTC (link)
I think the first stanza isn't needed--and the idea, old movie reels, is sort of cliche. I think an excellent beginning to this piece would be:


Here are geysers of the surreal.
Here are time and space nude.


Those two lines felt brilliant. I do like, to an extent, what comes next, but I think that word "having" is throwing me off course. Make it more direct, immediate:


Here are time and space nude,
their duties cast off and enjoying
the delights of themselves,
legs wrapped...


The phrase "around another" doesn't seem right. "Around one another" would be a way of saying it, or "Around each other". Still, I think it dilutes things a bit, and could be left off or condensed to "legs entwined"--basically have fewer words doing the work. "Incomprehensible arrangements" is a bear of a phrase, though I still kind of like it. Puts me in mind of constellations. Perhaps it seems awkward because that line begins with the word "in", which kind of makes it stutter.

Now we get to the heart of things. Those last two stanzas are great--the final stanza even more than the third. Aside from needing a capital after the period ("The moon...") there's almost nothing I would suggest as a change. Except perhaps--and this is along the same idea of condensing for potency--I would say you could make that first line "In black, distant oceans" and you'd capture the image more cleanly and vibrantly.

I love the line "through what wasn't always city", and it's such an unexpected shift as you describe it curling into darkness, then "paper in fire". I really dug that part. The only change I might suggest here is cutting the word "while" after your hyphen. Just for the sake of rhythm and sound. Try reading it without "while", I think it works.

Again, I have to say that last stanza is my favorite. The whole inflating/deflating image, and tying it back to the people... just beautiful. Nice work, man.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]13inchesofboyd
2008-07-03 05:40 am UTC (link)
thanks. these are awesome criticisms, changes will be made :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


(Anonymous)
2008-07-03 11:05 am UTC (link)
I just re-read my comments--I gotta work on chilling out that bossy tone of mine, because damn I sound like a drill sargeant sometimes. "Cut this!" "Re-word this!" "Use more descriptive language, you maggots!"

I hope you'll remember me in your autobiography later. :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


[info]13inchesofboyd
2008-07-03 04:01 pm UTC (link)
Nonsense, softening up critique has never helped anyone. thanks again

(Reply to this) (Parent)


(4 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…