13inchesofboyd ([info]13inchesofboyd) wrote,
@ 2008-06-09 13:50:00
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Nostalgia
A girl I don't know whispers to me
through the klaxon-clamor chaos
of another pulsing Royal Street bar.
I remember whispers on your porch
keeping still, warm nights company
years ago. How you thought maybe
"whisper" came from the word wisp:
wisps of voices, of our conversations.
Bathed in a laptop's sympathetic glow
we traced the thread all the way back
to Norway. "Hviskra," to speak softly.

I always pictured Norway in its winter,
people finally unfurling themselves
in the quiet privacy of one another
their anxieties and apathies undone
like so many paper cranes unfolded.
Each pair connected to every other
by the song of whales, drifting over
the sleeping country from the sea:
an invisible and ethereal spider web.

Whale songs are older than the words
used to describe them. Forged in the
deep, black blackness of the oceans
back when the continents were blank
and nobody had thought of a god yet.
Imagine the first whale song, a primal
melody rising from the crushing depths,
its echoes reverberating across the sea
ever since, the ages moving to its tune
like a divine plan. But it grows fainter,
just a whisper that night on your porch.

Back on Royal Street, we're superheros.
Handgrenades impart gifts of teleportation.
Flash! bar. Flash! teeming Canal street.
Flash! the streetcar, and then off to bed,
moving as if swept by a tide from behind,
superheros finally unmasked. This unknown
quantity nuzzles her nose on my chest
and sigh-purrs a satiated "mmm," as if
she was humming a song she had heard a long
time ago. Her hair feels like your hair.
I close my eyes and drift into dreams.



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[info]sniadecki
2008-06-10 04:04 pm UTC (link)
Oh god... you just made me feel lazy.

This is superlative.


people finally unfurling themselves
in the quiet privacy of one another
their anxieties and apathies undone
like so many paper cranes unfolded.


^^ You sealed the deal right there, and then it got even better as you continued on. I love the way you bring in the whale song theme, and how it carries through. I love This unknown / quantity nuzzles her nose on my chest...

I will make a couple suggestions. First the phrase "black blackness": I think you did this for the sound of it, which I get, but the first reaction I have reading that is "he couldn't think of another adjective", which I know is not true. Even "blue blackness" would be better, I think, but definitely some other word.

Second, "echoes reverberating": I think every writer, myself included, has written these two words next to each other a thousand times. It's what echoes do--they reverberate. The words fall next to each other instinctively. That's why I think you should consider another verb. Maybe something like "meandering" to go with your image of wandering from bar to bar? Or if you want something with more sense of age and continued power, "resounding"? I don't know, something like that though.

The last is just formatting stuff--I think "handgrenades" needs to be split or hyphenated, I kind of tripped over it when I first read it. You might possibly consider capitalizing the first letter after each "Flash!", and in general I think I prefer italicization to quotation marks (but that's a style choice).

Okay, one final thought. The last line. It feels right, but then, it's very straightforward. And it almost has that "...it was all just a dream" cliche feel to it. So here's my thought--just to give the poem yet another existential twist--what if the final line were "I close my eyes and drift in her dreams." You would be calling up the echo concept again, as a sort of acknowledgement that even as her presence is taking you back to some previous time, she is almost certainly having the same experience; that your presence is recalling a whole other, unknown set of recollections for her.

I really liked reading this one, man. And I must say, somewhere a gauntlet has been thrown. :)

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[info]13inchesofboyd
2008-06-13 06:13 pm UTC (link)
Thank you, for the compliments and especially criticisms :)

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